TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely outside of position. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have another location where American Guys can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: provide All people a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't that Trump Tower Damascus Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he should prevent working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a feature getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Features


Probably the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting attention from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have transform-down support."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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